THE DA VINCI CODE

Please force-feed me your rehashing of contemporary historical analysis of the questing of the Holy Grail, Dan Brown. Please mold the esoteric knowledge of secret orders and obscure theoretical discourse into a palatable movie for me to consume in a hungry state of suspense, Dan Brown.

Oh god, Dan Brown, please poke at my hole with your phallus of weltanschauung-shattering suppositions. Oh god, Dan Brown, lest not my entire identity, forged as it has been in this Christian world, be erased in your fogs of disillusionment!!

Oh god, what I believe - is it actually not true?!?! GASP! Au secours! Au secours!

or

Oh my god, we've been lied to the whole time!

or

Should I take the blue pill or the red pill?

or

How to turn a movie into a novel without having actually written the movie.


And I'm sorry, the characters were hardly characters, merely devices to move the plot forward. Disgustingly flat. Disgustingly.

That said, I sat at the edge of my seat the whole way through, wondering why they cast Angelina Jolie instead of Charlize Theron. And Mark Wahlberg instead of Paul Walker.